“Feels like I dropped a heavy fucking backpack”

This post was originally written in Swedish.

Trigger warning: Anxiety, Depression

“I wanted to tell you I got my diagnosis today” – That was the first sentence of the text I sent to my best friend at the beginning of the week.

Growing up I had everything. I had friends, and I had really good friends. I traveled the world, with my family, and with my friends. I did sports and I was able to do everything that I liked.

I wanted to become a sports massage therapist, and I did about two years ago. My dream came true, I worked as a massage therapist for one season in the Finnish Hockey League. Wow! But I wasn’t feeling well, and I didn’t know what was wrong. Sometimes I came home after work and I didn’t even have the energy to take a shower. I just wanted to lay on the couch. It wasn’t normal behavior, but it happened every day. It felt better some days, but then the feelings always came back. My sisters talked to each other, they could tell I wasn’t being myself.

It took me about 2,5 years to talk about this and to ask for help. I was diagnosed with depression. It doesn’t matter what grade it is, depression is depression. The minute I got my diagnosis my legs folded under me, they felt numb. My mouth turned dry. But I told all my family members and my closest friends, and it helped. Everyone was so incredibly gentle and warm towards me. It feels like I dropped a heavy fucking backpack now that I told people.

It’s not easy writing about what’s going on inside, but I tried. Hope it made sense.

Don’t be alone! Get help! ❤️

Male, 28, sports massage therapist

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